UnDetectable Genius: Hello, My Name is Bob! aka Live Review: BoB, Almost Kings @ Jammin’ Java (2009.07.31)

bob flyerLet’s give a warm welcome to the ever-evolving panel of intrepid showgoers known henceforth as UnDetectable Genius. They will bringing us “the best and brightest” of the local scene (in a sense).

Metal’s Humanity’s most promising act took the stage on this sultry summer evening, serving riffs so fattening and sweet, one would compare it to taking in a Cinnabon…  not just listening to music created by the employees of one.

It is tough to define or describe Bob’s sound with the vernacular of mere mortals, but many have found comfort within the confines of one word: “Timeless.”  With influences like Limp Bizkit, Korn, POD, Sevendust, Limp Bizkit, and even Korn it is understandable that Bob is a band that has defined not just a new genre of music…. but a new movement.

Their Myspace page claims “We’re some girls favorite band of ALL TIME,” which says two things: 1)  They have not had to update their status since 1999, and 2) They are indeed aware that there is no room for an apostrophe before the “s” in “girls.”  This is no surprise to anyone who hears the cry of singer Matt Sorento’s tormented soul, imprisoned behind perfectly sculpted abs and dreadlocks that are color-correspondent to the threat levels his poetry can be raised to.  Sorento’s tongue is the perfect, rhythmic accomplice to what bassist Carl Schmeig, drummer Drew Recny, and guitarist Adam Smith masticate with their Drop D morsels garnished by snare hits strategically placed on the 2′s and 4′s of nearly every measure.


(left to right) Bob’s frontman Matt Sorento and guitarist Adam Smith

Undetectable Genius was fortunate enough to find themselves at one of Bob’s most recent displays of perfection.  The night started off with promise as Upset the Setup and Georgia’s Almost Kings warmed up the stage.  We missed the first act for reasons so inexcusable we can’t even type them here.

The first band we caught was called “Almost Kings,” which is an appropriate name because while BOB are the kings, this band is ALMOST as good. In fact, they should be called “Almost Perfect” except remove the “almost,” add a comma, “you,” “fuckin,” and “bitch” to the end. So perfect in fact, they should be signed to Flawless records, because “flawless” is Spanish for “perfect”…you fuckin bitch!

Right when AK took the stage, we knew the hook couldn’t even remember these cats ‘cause they’ve been off it for so long! Baseball caps at various angles, 5-string bass, wife-beaters and wallet chains. If they just walked on the stage, waved and walked back off, it would have been worth the price of admission. Fortunately, they decided to stay and show us all just how it’s done – if you’re a band almost as sick as BOB! The first song dropped so hot the bass player decided he couldn’t even use the same bass for the rest of the set. We don’t know what the name of this jam was (except that we think it ended in “…with a chainsaw”) but we do know the singer/MC gave us the exact number of “y’alls” and chest taps we needed to keep things interesting. As if that weren’t enough, the guitar player ripped sick jumps off of the strategically placed boxes on stage, all while somehow playing power chords with one finger. One of us was like “What?”, another was like “Damn!” and the other just stood there nodding with his lips pursed cause he doesn’t give a FUCK.

AK kept things poppin’ by playing classic cuts like “Bounce…with a Chainsaw” and “Let’s Burn this Motherfucker Down…with a Chainsaw” and many other tunes that had their bassist quickly snapping his head to the side and back. It was crazy how in tune this band was with the crowd’s desire to hear the MC rap something while someone else in the band shouts the same words immediately after. Crazy like Crazytown y’all, for real. Anyways, there were two big highlights of this set. First, in a stunning display of gender sensitivity and age appropriateness, AK had three lucky fellas, including one of Undetectable Genius’s own, play stripper polls and then invited three sexy, underage teen girls to be “strippers.” Our favorite girl was the one sporting the cutoff tank top and braces. That’s bling when you’re thirteen, people. The other highlight was the SLAMMIN’ new track they let slip called “Bulls on Parade…with a Chainsaw.” The shit’s got “single” written all over it harder than the “Most Detailed Costume” winner at a Star Trek convention!

The Undetectable crew got a little worried for a second the BOB’s set wouldn’t happen, because, in a surprise move, front man Matt Sorento went through the ENTIRE soundcheck with his shirt on.  All the other stars were in line… yhe bass had five strings and was beyond muddy, the guitar was run through more pedals than a Dream Theater Drum Kit, the drummer’s cymbals were raised to new heights, and they met the quota of at least two people with dreadlocks on stage. Fortunately the shirt disappeared like the aspirations the band members parents had for them as children and BOB started to do what it does best: party like it was 1999 (LITERALLY like it was 1999).   “For once,” we thought, “a REAL fucking rock band.” After the excruciating wait, Santoro finally tossed aside that faded ICP shirt, we knew it was “go” time, and we couldn’t have been more stoked.

Bob started their set with a bang and towered over the crowd, while swaying those perfectly anachronistic dreds violently on top of three giant plywood boxes placed in front of the stage. We literally HAD to jump to get our heads to the crotch-level of these local legends. Bob did not let up the intensity throughout the performance, treating the crowd to favorites like “Bump in the Road” and “Cali.”  Many would agree that the highlight of the evening was when Bob launched into “Tip the Board.” Spitting the famous line “when I walked in everybody stared again, thought I was another man, nah they stared cause I’m myself man, never gave a fuck what other people say.  Call me crazy cause I can’t live their way.   This life’s a game then I’m a wait a minute, in a little bit ill tip the board ‘n then I’m out again”, we weren’t sure if this was a threat or a promise. What was certain was that this band was taking no prisoners.

After the third (shirtless) song in the set, BOB was letting off such seductive vibes we knew it was only a matter of time before some of Fairfax and Langley high school’s finest female talent was called up on stage to make their parents proud…  And take it from us, these girls are going high places fast, and we don’t simply mean on top of one of those giant plywood boxes onstage…    and it is no wonder why some of Sorento’s peers (F. Durst, J.  Davis, V. Ice) have been hiding under the radar for some time.

Bob has been around for over ten years, and started as a group of friends who had a fondness for rap and metal.  It is clear these seasoned musicians have gone from simple fans of both rap and metal to pioneers of a new genre combining the two that is sure to be the future of music as we know it.  We began referring to their sound as something we like to call “Rap Metal,” meaning a hybrid sound displaying some of the characteristics of rap, generally in the vocal style, and some of the characteristics of metal, generally in the instrumental section. However, such a simplistic term really does no justice to musical versatility that is BOB, so we’ll just let the term develop naturally over time. Their prowess is beyond intimidating to anyone who has ever listened to music in general… In fact, majority of the crowd was so blown away and intoxicated by their music, many of the audience members had to resort to calling their parents to pick them up after the show.  We came as curious fans of a band called “Bob” and left humbled by a band we feel obliged to simply call “Robert.”

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9 Responses to “UnDetectable Genius: Hello, My Name is Bob! aka Live Review: BoB, Almost Kings @ Jammin’ Java (2009.07.31)”

  1. Carter says:

    I can’t help but pick up on a little bit of sarcasm here. You idiots would know good music if it hits you in the face. BOB rocks, and they have legions of fans that will say the same thing. Get off your pretentious high horse and learn about good music for once.

  2. UnDetectable Genius says:

    Carter, educate us. Besides BOB, who else should we listen to?

  3. With a Chainsaw says:

    Carter wrote: “You idiots would know good music if it hits you in the face.” Yes, Carter. Yes they would indeed.

  4. Val says:

    More UnDetectable Genius, please!

  5. A Nonymous says:

    I like the tone of UnDetectable Genius. I would also like to see an affirmative article instead of sheer sarcasm by them, unless that’s the shtick they want to abide by. If that’s the point, then keep it.

  6. UnDetectable Genius says:

    More to come…. Stay tuned, A Nonymous. We are not so much sarcastic as we are simply fascinated. It is amazing bands like Bob and Almost Kings do not get covered as much as they should! Our environment will soon rely on recycling… let’s just hope our music scene follows its lead.

  7. matt santoro says:

    i think its a cowards move to post something so opinionated without using your real name. you use our names, tell us yours. also you have almost every fact wrong, down to how many strings carls bass has. your a fool

  8. matt santoro says:

    oh, forgot to add, your a terrible writer

  9. sean says:

    It is obvious that the author of this article was home schooled by a very touchy father. The article is littered with poor spelling, horrific grammer, and a homo-erotic, self loathing tone that can only be explained by a ruptured rectum that has never quite healed. I enjoy reading negative articles about hard working, talented musicians, by less then average, lazy musicians. Solar powered sun destroyers could not even come close to filling the closet they hang out in with their fanbase, with the exception of the author’s father, who is only there for the “after-party” if you know what I mean.

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